Creating Safe Spaces: Engaging Youth in Meaningful Conversations
Carlamay Sheremata, with over two decades of experience in law enforcement, embodies a profound commitment to empowering women and youth. Her unwavering faith guides her mission to uplift others, fostering healing and transformation through Christ's love. Throughout her journey, she has demonstrated remarkable resilience, overcoming cancer, navigating the challenges of single parenthood, and addressing the complexities of PTSD. Beyond her law enforcement career, Sheremata engages in meaningful dialogues that bridge generational gaps, empowering parents, educators, and mentors to better understand the youth of today. This episode delves into her inspiring story, her reflections on the impact of faith, and the essential role of active listening in creating safe spaces for connection and communication.
Carlamay Sheremata's journey through over two decades in law enforcement reveals an extraordinary narrative marked by resilience, compassion, and a profound commitment to uplifting others. Throughout her distinguished career, she has served in various specialty units, embodying a spirit of courage and dedication, particularly in her passion for empowering women and youth. Guided by her unwavering faith in Christ, she believes in the transformative power of love and healing, which serves as the cornerstone of her mission. Sharmata's personal trials, including her battle with cancer and the challenges of single parenthood, have further strengthened her resolve to choose a path aligned with her faith rather than succumbing to societal pressures. Her experiences have instilled in her a deep understanding of the struggles faced by today's youth, making her an advocate for bridging the generational gap between parents, educators, and the younger generation. Beyond her professional endeavors, Sharmata also finds fulfillment in singing, serving, and cherishing moments with her family, emphasizing her commitment to leaving a legacy of faith and purpose that inspires others to trust in God's plan amidst adversity.
The discussion further delves into the vital role of mentorship and inspiration in Sheremata's life, highlighting the profound impact of her mother as a guiding figure. Through her mother's unwavering support and shared creativity, Sheremata discovered the importance of being true to oneself in a world that often demands conformity. This conversation highlights the importance of mentorship in fostering resilience and strength in young individuals, as Sheremata reflects on her own experiences of feeling different and navigating challenges. Her narrative serves as a testament to the power of familial support and the importance of fostering environments where young people can thrive, ultimately empowering them to embrace their unique identities.
In a compelling exchange, Sheremata articulates her commitment to youth advocacy, emphasizing the necessity of creating safe spaces for open dialogue. She shares her insights on the importance of active listening and non-judgmental communication, essential skills for adults seeking to connect with young people. The conversation explores the importance of understanding the complexities of youth experiences, particularly in the context of mental health and societal pressures. Sharmata's book, 'Youth Truth,' encapsulates these themes, offering profound insights into the struggles young people face today and providing practical tools for parents and mentors to foster meaningful connections. The episode culminates in a powerful reminder of the collective responsibility to support and uplift the younger generation, encouraging listeners to engage with authenticity and compassion, thereby nurturing a culture of understanding and acceptance.
Charlamay Sheremata's profound insights into the challenges faced by youth today and the importance of mentorship resonate deeply throughout the podcast episode. Her narrative reveals a remarkable intersection of personal struggle and professional dedication, as she exemplifies the transformative power of faith, resilience, and community engagement. Sharmata's experiences in law enforcement have not only shaped her perspective on the complexities of youth challenges but also fueled her passion for fostering environments where young people can feel safe to express themselves. The conversation highlights her dedication to empowering women and youth, underscoring her conviction in the importance of bridging generational gaps and establishing supportive networks for those in need. Through her work, Sharmata emphasizes the necessity of understanding the diverse experiences of young individuals, advocating for the creation of safe spaces where they can be heard and supported. The episode ultimately serves as a clarion call for listeners to embrace the responsibility of nurturing the next generation, reinforcing the idea that through compassion and active engagement, we can collectively contribute to the healing and empowerment of youth within our communities.
Takeaways:
- Charlamay Sheremata has devoted over 21 years to law enforcement, demonstrating courage and compassion.
- Her unwavering faith guides her in empowering women and youth through various initiatives.
- Carlamay's journey includes resilience through cancer, single parenthood, and the challenges of PTSD.
- She emphasizes the importance of trusting God's plan amid adversity, inspiring others to do the same.
- Through her experiences, she highlights the significance of creating impactful connections with today's youth.
- Her book, 'Youth Truth', offers profound insights and practical tools for engaging in meaningful conversations.
Transcript
With over 21 years in law enforcement, Charlamay Sharmata has walked a path of courage, compassion, and unwavering faith, serving in various specialty units.
Speaker A:Her greatest passion is empowering women and youth.
Speaker A:Guided by faith, she uplifts others, believing in Christ's love to bring healing and transformation.
Speaker A:Her her journey is one of resilience, surviving cancer, embracing single parenthood, and navigating ptsd.
Speaker A:Through every trial, she's relied on God's strength, choosing his path over worldly expectations.
Speaker A:Beyond law enforcement, Carla May shares her experience in youth truth, engaging in conversations that can change lives, bridging the generational gap, and helping parents, educators, and mentors understand today's youth.
Speaker A:When not speaking or writing, she finds joy in singing, serving, and cherishing time with family.
Speaker A:Commit to leaving a legacy of faith and purpose.
Speaker A:She inspires others to trust God's plan through all adversity.
Speaker A:We welcome her to the podcast.
Speaker A:Well, Carla May, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker A:How you doing today?
Speaker B:I'm doing amazing.
Speaker B:How are you doing?
Speaker A:I'm great.
Speaker A:I love those southern names, the Carla May, the Bobby Joes, and Billy Bobs.
Speaker A:Being from the south myself, I appreciate the creativity of naming our kids.
Speaker A:So, yeah, well done to your family.
Speaker B:Yes, thank you.
Speaker B:My dad chose it.
Speaker B:And no middle name.
Speaker B:He didn't want me to have middle name, just.
Speaker A:Well, you got, you got two first names, so you don't need a middle name.
Speaker B:Exactly, exactly.
Speaker A:So I love to ask my guests this question.
Speaker A:What's the best piece of advice you ever received?
Speaker B:The best piece for me is don't let fear make decisions for you.
Speaker B:And you know, I look through and I mean, fear, fear can take over and, and cause so many challenges in our lives, but yet when we look at it, growth is just beyond that fear.
Speaker B:So when we take that step and, you know, whether it's a leap of faith, what, you know, if that's what you want to call it, or even just, you know, taking that next step past, that's where that growth starts.
Speaker B:And it's hard, I believe even as an adult now, it's hard sometimes to.
Speaker B:To realize that.
Speaker B:And you know, I even look at.
Speaker B:So social media.
Speaker B:I do not like social media.
Speaker B:I struggle with posting.
Speaker B:What do I post?
Speaker B:Am I posting the right thing, yada, yada, all that stuff, but yet people want to, want to see your authentic self.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so what does that look like?
Speaker B:And for me, it's stepping over that fear to be able to post.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So even as adults, we face it.
Speaker A:I love it.
Speaker A:I always tell people, be Careful of emotional posting, emotional vomiting.
Speaker A:If she.
Speaker A:As you do it, because you sit there, you may be having a rough day.
Speaker A:And the worst post you can possibly do is the one where you're emotionally putting out there what you're feeling at that moment because you can't take it back.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So I tell people, think maybe post it and delete it.
Speaker A:Get it off your chest.
Speaker A:But then don't.
Speaker A:Don't hit send.
Speaker B:Don't send.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:I'm curious, as you think about your journey, who are some people in your life who served as a mentor or just an inspiration for you on your journey?
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:You know, the one person that comes to mind is my mom.
Speaker B:Just, I. I watch her, and her and I are very similar.
Speaker B:We're both very creative, very.
Speaker B:We're not kind of the analytical, logical side yet.
Speaker B:When growing up, she was.
Speaker B:She was like my backbone, I guess I could say, you know, standing up for me in different.
Speaker B:In different places because I didn't fit in a lot, being very musical and artsy, you know, and we used to call it the artsy fartsy kids.
Speaker B:But, you know, being on that side, you didn't fit in because people didn't know how to take you.
Speaker B:You were just different.
Speaker B:And my mom was like that, too.
Speaker B:And so she got me.
Speaker B:My dad is an accountant, and so, you know, very.
Speaker B:Mom's a musician, dad's an accountant.
Speaker B:So you have two very different sides of brains being utilized and, you know, different thoughts coming together.
Speaker B:But she was the biggest one.
Speaker B:And I look now, and she just battled breast cancer.
Speaker B:And, you know, what a strong woman, Very woman of strong faith, Prayer warrior.
Speaker B:And she still, to this day, is a huge inspiration for me.
Speaker A:Wow, that's so cool.
Speaker A:It's funny you talk about your dad being an accountant.
Speaker A:My brother's an accountant.
Speaker A:So I always tell my mom she's got death and taxes covered, so.
Speaker B:And they're always going to be needed.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker B:On both sides.
Speaker A:You can't escape either one of those two.
Speaker B:Oh, man.
Speaker A:So I'm curious, you know, I love to hear people's story, their journey.
Speaker A:So tell us a bit about your journey that led you into law enforcement and what inspired you to pursue that career.
Speaker B:So I went to school for psych.
Speaker B:Psych and sociology and a minor in music is what I came out with at an early age.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:Youth and kids have always been at a strong place in my heart, and I've had a passion for them even earlier on.
Speaker B:I just loved babysitting and loved teaching, taking care of children.
Speaker B:So when I got out of school, I really wanted to go and work with girls and young women, especially in the school system, because I know what I went through and the struggles that I had to.
Speaker B:Had to deal with and to face.
Speaker B:And I mean, back then we didn't call it bullying, you know, we just.
Speaker B:It was kind of like, you know, suck it up, just deal with it and go on.
Speaker B:And so watching so many young girls, and this was now 30 plus years ago, watching so many young girls going through things, I sat back and thought, you know, I really feel that's right where I'm being led to go.
Speaker B:So when I went back to see if I could go and start working in the schools, I was told I had to go back and get a teaching degree.
Speaker B:Well, that's not me.
Speaker B:I was done for with school right now and I didn't want to be a.
Speaker B:A teacher.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:That's just not where my heart was and all the power to those teachers that.
Speaker B:That is where your heart is in lead because you do an amazing job and it's not easy after having especially worked in the schools through my career.
Speaker B:So coming out, once that happened, I started working in oil companies because I'm in Calgary, Alberta and we are oil.
Speaker B:Oil country down here or sorry, I guess up here and.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And so as I kind of went through realizing that, you know, this just wasn't where I really wanted to be, I.
Speaker B:There was just something more to my life.
Speaker B:So then all of a sudden I'm like, you know what?
Speaker B:I want to try something where men and women are paid the same, do the same job, same training, all of that kind of stuff and kind of see where that leads me and you know, God started leading me towards law enforcement.
Speaker B:I'm the only granddaughter on one side and my grandfather on that side was in.
Speaker B:Worked in the jails and so very interesting that that was kind of, you know, in.
Speaker B:In my blood a little bit.
Speaker B:But being the only female, I don't think that that's what my parents or my grandparents had, you know, kind of the perfect job for what they wanted me to do.
Speaker B:Earlier on, I had gone down to Nashville because I do sing and had done done some recording down there, worked with some reps, you know, got some music.
Speaker B:But life just kind of led in a different direction.
Speaker B:And so I have not stopped my singing.
Speaker B:I still sing wherever I can here, which, you know, I've.
Speaker B:You got to keep using the gifts that God has given you.
Speaker B:So once I got into law enforcement and well, I guess started the Process.
Speaker B:I ended up getting diagnosed with cancer, and I didn't want to stop the process because I didn't know if I was going to continue it, like come back and continue.
Speaker B:So I went through my treatment, continued through the process.
Speaker B:Within a few months, ended up getting into recruit class, which again, was not heard of very often because people were getting deferred for 18 months, two years, sometimes deferred for five years.
Speaker B:So I knew the door was slowly being opened, even if it was just a toe in the door.
Speaker B:I went through my treatments, got in, started recruit class.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:I was not expecting.
Speaker B:I guess I didn't know what to expect.
Speaker B:But that was probably one of the hardest things that I've ever had to go through.
Speaker B:You know, I had never touched a gun before.
Speaker B:Excuse me.
Speaker B:I had never been in a fight, not, you know, never been hit, never, you know, all of these kind of things.
Speaker B:I think the worst was playing kick the can or whatever, you know, and where you're fighting over kicking a can in a cul de sac with the kids and somebody falls or pushes you or whatever.
Speaker B:And I was a, you know, I have nails, my makeup, hair is always done right.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I'm a girly girl.
Speaker B:So I walk into class, I'll never forget this, and kind of the looks, it was like, huh?
Speaker B:And all I thought is, here we go again.
Speaker B:Another box that I don't fit into.
Speaker B:But I am going to allow myself to have my pink fingernails sticking out and my pink toenails sticking out of this box, because I really felt that this is where God was leading me to be.
Speaker B:And once I got in, my goodness, the doors that opened for things that, you know, like I talked about how I wanted to work in the schools with the kids.
Speaker B:Doors opened in this career for me to be able to go and work in a school for eight and a half years and start programs for the young girls and work with them in an.
Speaker B:In a way that I actually never had even thought would come up.
Speaker B:So it just kind of did a full circle.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker A:So as you think about that career you had in law enforcement, what was some of the most challenging things you saw in your time working in law enforcement?
Speaker B:There were a number.
Speaker B:Some of the ones, for instance, I worked in a unit called the.
Speaker B:It was CART Child at Risk Response Team.
Speaker B:And so it was one police officer and a social worker that worked together.
Speaker B:And we would go into either residences or hospitals, for instance, when babies were born born and remove children that were not in good situations.
Speaker B:And there were many times that, you know, we would go in and you would see little things that kind of triggered, well, I don't know how good the situation is, but there wasn't enough for us to be able to, you know, pull the kid out.
Speaker B:And then there, there were other situations.
Speaker B:I think one of the, the ones that, that sticks in my mind was a brand new baby.
Speaker B:She was maybe three hours old and was already addicted to crack.
Speaker B:And you know, we had to go in and take this little tiny being away from mom, you know, who had promised us that she was not, you know, not taking anything anymore.
Speaker B:And, but, you know, baby gave us another, another view of this.
Speaker B:And then we had angry father show up ready to literally kill whoever was going to be in the pathway.
Speaker B:So that one really sticks to me.
Speaker B:And then other ones was in the schools and the kids that I worked with and the pain that so many of them were going through, how that they were just dealing with day to day things as they came to school.
Speaker B:You know, whether it was living in a car with their dad because they dad was trying to keep a job, couldn't afford, you know, heat or anything of that sort, they got kicked out of their rental and now they're living in a car.
Speaker B:So being able to work with these kids and say, hey, you know what, here's showers at school, here's some breakfast, here's this kind of stuff.
Speaker B:But those areas really impacted me in, in a lot of different ways that I actually again, never thought that they, that they could or would.
Speaker A:So what led you to have this passion for young people?
Speaker A:I mean, I could tell that some of it came from your own past experience, but kind of what opened up and say, this is where I think I'm supposed to be and why.
Speaker B:My, my heart was there right from the start.
Speaker B:That is just where, where it was every day when I would go into, especially when I worked in the schools.
Speaker B:For instance, every day I was in there, man, I couldn't wait to get in and speak to the kids and find out, you know, what was going on.
Speaker B:And Monday morning there was always a lineup outside of my office door.
Speaker B:Whether it was kids that had some really bad experiences over the weekend or kids that just wanted to tell me, hey, you know, what this happened, or, you know, I scored a goal here or this kind of thing.
Speaker B:And the joy that I saw in these kids was, was so amazing.
Speaker B:And especially, you know, in one of the schools I worked with, it was a very high number of newcomers and immigrants coming that were there.
Speaker B:So listening to their stories and the big thing Is I found kids were, they were falling through the cracks and that they had a voice, but many of them did not know how to use it and they felt that they could not use it.
Speaker B:So for me, I felt that I could be, whether you call it an ally or a voice for them, but somebody there that they had that they could trust and know would be there for them in whatever circumstances came up.
Speaker A:Kids don't typically like to share things.
Speaker A:So how did you get kids, what was your superpower to get them to want to communicate and talk to an adult about anything?
Speaker B:One of the things that I use, I guess we can call it my superpower is just listening first, sitting down with them.
Speaker B:And I, I don't want to say coming down to their level because I don't like that, but I was trying to think of some, like another way to, to, to, to put that.
Speaker B:But literally sitting down with them, letting them know it's a safe space and maybe asking them, you know, a few open ended questions because that's always a good way to start or you know, in the fact of some of the kids that I actually would know or they had let me know they were struggling with this or parents were going through a divorce, actually just sitting down and asking them, how are you doing with the divorce going on?
Speaker B:You know, or if they had, for instance, had tried to commit suicide previously and they were now seeking counseling, actually asking them how that was going and if they were feeling any kind of ways of wanting to hurt themselves.
Speaker B:And those were tough questions to ask.
Speaker B:But man, the kids actually really felt that they were heard and seen at that moment.
Speaker B:And so then they would just start talking.
Speaker B:But a lot of it was just coming down and sitting down with them and whether you just sit there for a few minutes and nobody says anything.
Speaker B:And sometimes they would sit up and be like, well, okay, I mean, I've got to head to class.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Or else all of a sudden it was just like, you know, I would call it the verbal diarrhea because everything would just come out, you know, like when you're at a hair salon, everything you hear everything, right?
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker B:So, yeah, So I mean, it's just little ways.
Speaker B:And even now when I talk to parents sometimes we've tried stuff on one of our other kids and it, it's worked.
Speaker B:And then we tried on our, you know, say the youngest and nothing seems to work.
Speaker B:But it's just kind of getting down to where they are and finding out what even, what they like and what their, you know, for instance, even with I use this story with gaming.
Speaker B:I had a parent come to me and say, you know what, I have a 15 year old.
Speaker B:I have not been able to connect with this child for years.
Speaker B:He eats as fast as he can, goes downstairs.
Speaker B:If we say you have to sit at the table, he's like clicking his nails, kicking the chair, everything, because he just wants to get downstairs to play his game.
Speaker B:And I said, what if one day you go downstairs and ask him, can you teach me how to game?
Speaker B:And she rolled her eyes because she hates gaming.
Speaker B:But I said, you know what, just try it and see what happens.
Speaker B:And so she did.
Speaker B:She went downstairs and she asked him, hey, can you teach me how to game?
Speaker B:And when she was telling me the story, she said her son looked at her and was like, you hate gaming, why are you even coming down here?
Speaker B:And she said, you know what, I want to connect with you and spend time with you and if this is the way I have to do it, this is how I'm going to do it.
Speaker B:So he taught her, you know, they didn't talk very much and she's using the controller and of course she dies and ends very quickly.
Speaker B:But she went upstairs and I got a phone call, not even an email.
Speaker B:I got a phone call about two weeks later and she was in tears.
Speaker B:And she said, my son just came up to me in the kitchen, looked around to make sure nobody was there and actually started talking to me about what was going on at school.
Speaker B:School.
Speaker B:And she said that she, he told her that his gaming was his way of being able to self soothe for what was all going on.
Speaker B:And she said I had to hold on to the counter because I didn't want to fall over because he has never done that.
Speaker B:But she said that little 15 minutes of even us not talking.
Speaker B:She said, he told me I felt valued and I felt that you saw me where I was.
Speaker B:So something as little as that, you gotta come to where they are.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's amazing.
Speaker A:So let's talk about your book.
Speaker A:I'm dying to get into that.
Speaker A:Yes, Youth Truth.
Speaker A:Engaging in conversations that can change lives.
Speaker A:I looked at some of the reviews of it and it looked like a really fascinating read, but I love this quote.
Speaker A:In this powerful collection of stories, Carla May masterfully captures the complex experiences of youth, offering profound insights into what helps them feel safe enough to open up to adults.
Speaker A:And that just kind of summarizes kind of what got you into this.
Speaker A:But so tell us about the book.
Speaker B:The book is.
Speaker B:Oh, I had so much fun writing it.
Speaker B:I had As I was going through and working in the high schools as a school resource officer, I had kids actually come forward and ask, you know, if you're ever going to write a book or tell some stories, can you use me?
Speaker B:And of course, you know, all names and areas and stuff are changed in the book.
Speaker B:But the stories that these kids had were so unbelievable.
Speaker B:And some of them, some of them, literally, you would think it was written for a movie because a lot of these kids have not let people know what they've gone through, not even their parents.
Speaker B:So the first nine chapters I dive into reality.
Speaker B:The kids are telling their stories about suicide, self harm, domestic violence and yes, that happens in, you know, ages 14, even younger in these relationships, you know, that where healthy relationships, the kids don't know what healthy relationships really are.
Speaker B:And if they don't have it at home to show what it is, that's a huge struggle with it.
Speaker B:And so we talk about bullying, social media, pregnancy, sex, all of those really hard conversations that are, that as parents, as adults we struggle to have with our youth.
Speaker B:Then the last chapter talks about tools that we can use and it's not a self help book because I believe as parents we come in with what we know, what we've seen, what we've learned.
Speaker B:So we, we don't need to be told that we're doing stuff wrong because of course we know it all as parents, right?
Speaker B:So now it's just adding little things in that can help us possibly like even the fact of going down, you know, playing a game with your, with your kid, stuff like that where we don't think of because it's like, ugh, I don't want to go down there, I hate it.
Speaker B:That's it.
Speaker B:So now that's kind of finished.
Speaker B:But this is kind of what it dives into.
Speaker B:And they're raw, they're real.
Speaker B:I've had emails sent that even from men who have said they had to read chapter by chapter separately because it was triggering things for them that either they hadn't worked through or stuff that they dealt with that they did not believe their kids had to go through now.
Speaker B:And so I feel that even for some parents it's been a healing for them.
Speaker B:Even having.
Speaker B:I had a one parent contact me.
Speaker B:He was an executive of a company saying he had a 31 year old son he's never been able to connect with all through his years.
Speaker B:And he said after reading this book, he actually sat down with his son for two and a half hours and they talked and he found out why his son was so angry and what had been going on through the childhood that the father was busy at work doing his thing, you know, and never really paying attention to what was going on with the son in his life.
Speaker B:And just that brought a whole new opening and now with the grandkids and it's just a different relationship now.
Speaker B:So it's not just for youth.
Speaker B:I think it's even for our next generation in for leaders and companies of how to deal and how to work with this next generation coming in.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:So let's talk a little bit about creating a safe space, because you did that masterfully in your work.
Speaker A:For those of us who don't know how to even start, what do you suggest is what's one of the first steps or most critical step in creating a safe space to have these kind of meaningful conversations?
Speaker B:I think so the first step is non judgment.
Speaker B:As parents, we are very fast to judge.
Speaker B:We can say we don't, but we have our biases, right?
Speaker B:And we feel we know it all.
Speaker B:So along with the no judgment is listening, but active listening.
Speaker B:We'll have a child come to us and start talking about something that's going on.
Speaker B:All of a sudden we remember, oh, that happened to me.
Speaker B:I know exactly what you should do, like inside.
Speaker B:Then we shut off our listening, so we actually don't even hear anything more that's going on that they've been talking about.
Speaker B:And many times our youth don't want advice, they just want to be heard.
Speaker B:So one of the biggest things that I talk to parents about is, number one, ask first, if, do you want advice or would you like me to listen?
Speaker B:And sometimes they just say, listen.
Speaker B:And then at the end they're like looking at you, well, aren't you gonna, like, aren't you gonna give me advice?
Speaker B:But now they know that you've heard them.
Speaker B:And there's times when I've had to tell parents literally just to shut up, right, not to say anything.
Speaker B:Because as soon as you open your mouth many times our kids will shut down and you've lost them because they feel, why should we say, why should I say anything if right away I'm going to be judged or they're going to tell me that I'm not doing something right and this is the way I should be doing it, or how can you even be doing that?
Speaker B:You know, that's just so, so idiotic.
Speaker B:And you know, and, and there's parents that, that answer that way.
Speaker B:And maybe some of us have been there, right?
Speaker B:So those are kind of the.
Speaker B:The big key things is to literally no judgment, active listening, and sometimes just be quiet.
Speaker A:So you have here nine chapters or so of stories.
Speaker A:Of those stories, what were some of the most impactful ones that you shared in youth?
Speaker A:Truths.
Speaker B:So there's a couple of them.
Speaker B:The first one is regarding suicide and how a grade 12 young lady, you know, stuff was kind of going on in.
Speaker B:In.
Speaker B:In school, friends that she thought she was going to be going to grad with all of a sudden were pulling away.
Speaker B:It was a misunderstanding, you know, because she was talking to one of her friends, boyfriends and you know, all of that, the girl drama that goes on, and then she ends up not getting into one of her universities that she really, really wanted to go to.
Speaker B:And she ended up, you know, really not talking to her parents, shutting the door, and then kind of disappearing.
Speaker B:And this one really was one of the ones for me where heading into the school, we didn't know where she was.
Speaker B:And I saw a noose hanging in this.
Speaker B:In the bathroom stall.
Speaker B:And that.
Speaker B:That one I'll never forget for sure.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And in the end she ended up.
Speaker B:She was laying on the ground having not done anything because she said she just couldn't.
Speaker B:But leading up to that, you don't know, inside it was going through all these emotions of, excuse me, what am I gonna do if I go in there and I find something?
Speaker B:How am I going to handle this going through and especially asking, you know, excuse me, God, at that time to just prepare me and to give me that courage and strength as I walked in to whatever was going to be there.
Speaker B:Because, of course, we never know.
Speaker B:And in a job like policing, you never know what you're going to be walking into.
Speaker B:So that was one of them.
Speaker B:And then another one was of a young boy who, you know, came to school every day.
Speaker B:I noticed he was, you know, he was looking a little thin, a little gaunt in the face and.
Speaker B:But he was always in school.
Speaker B:And one day, God just kind of led me to go and say to him, hey, you know what?
Speaker B:Here's a.
Speaker B:A cafeteria card.
Speaker B:And, you know, and he asked me, well, why did you give this to me?
Speaker B:And I just said, you know what?
Speaker B:I really felt in my heart that you really need this soul.
Speaker B:I'm going to be giving it to you.
Speaker B:And throughout realizing that when he would go home, there was no food in the house, we didn't know this.
Speaker B:You know, mom was a stripper, dad was in jail, brother was in jail.
Speaker B:He would go home each night, staying awake at night waiting until he heard the key turn so that he knew mom was home safe.
Speaker B:Nobody knew what was going on in his house.
Speaker B:So he, he was at the end, he didn't want to live anymore.
Speaker B:And he decided that the best way to go was dousing the living room and himself in gasoline.
Speaker B: I got the call that night at: Speaker B:And going through and realizing nobody knew, nobody had asked him what's going on, how are you?
Speaker B:Like, besides, how are you?
Speaker B:And kids are like, yeah, I'm fine, right.
Speaker B:But actually sitting down and learning about what he was going through.
Speaker B:So those are two of the stories and there's many more in there, but those are two that for me really touched me and had a huge impact with this, with my job and with these kids.
Speaker A:What I'm so impressed by, by our conversation is there's obviously a faith underpinning to all that you're doing.
Speaker A:So oftentimes you try to help people and it's all, it's maybe good intention, but there's something missing when there's not a faith based approach to looking at the situation.
Speaker A:How do you, through this book, through the work that you do, especially in school systems, how do you talk about faith in a way that doesn't get you thrown in jail or, or ostracized in that situation?
Speaker B:When I started writing the book, that was one thing that I really prayed about, that when the words would come out, because I didn't want this just to be a, a Christian book, right?
Speaker B:Because then you limit to where it can go, all that kind of stuff, which is really sad that we have to say that, but it does, right?
Speaker B:So as I was writing, I, I asked God put the words on the page so that it can be utilized everywhere.
Speaker B:And whatever religion was going to be reading this book, they would still be able to somehow get that, as we call it, faith based, higher power, whatever people want to call it, but it's going to be there.
Speaker B:So throughout the book I talk about prayer because when you look whatever religion you look into, prayer is still there, whatever whoever they're praying to, but it is still there.
Speaker B:And so that for me and, and I didn't even realize it until a friend of mine read it and she said, do you realize this actually can be utilized in a, in a Christian setting or in a non Christian setting because it opens it up to everything so that was how I. I did this.
Speaker B:Now with the kids, there were times when I would just say, you know what?
Speaker B:I'm going to be honest with you.
Speaker B:I am.
Speaker B:I am a believer.
Speaker B:I have a very strong faith, and God has really put it on my heart that this is something that I need to bring forward to you.
Speaker B:And many times from kids, I didn't get any pushback.
Speaker B:It was more of the fact of, oh, my goodness, you actually can sense and feel what I'm going through.
Speaker B:So with that, I.
Speaker B:That's kind of how I worked that way.
Speaker B:I never had any complaints that I know of come back to me regarding that.
Speaker B:But that was really, really important to me for that.
Speaker B:Now, can I put a question on you?
Speaker A:Okay, here we go with it.
Speaker B:Being a pastor, and as we all know, you know, as for myself, being raised in a church and having had friends who are PKs or pastors kids, what was it like for you, being a pastor with your kids, raising them in.
Speaker B:In the schools, dealing with, you know, some of these topics.
Speaker B:And of course, I mean, I know for myself, sex wasn't talked about very often.
Speaker B:I was raised, you know, in a Baptist church.
Speaker B:So it's like a lot, you know, dances.
Speaker B:Oh, we couldn't even dance because, you know, you don't want to be next to people.
Speaker B:That kind of stuff.
Speaker B:Now, that was early, early on.
Speaker B:But a lot of these things were not talked about and were not talked with us.
Speaker B:So we either learned them in different ways and especially now their social media, which is even worse than how we learned about them if we weren't our parents didn't talk about them.
Speaker B:But how did you process stuff through with your kids and what worked for you?
Speaker A:I would love to tell you we did it perfectly, but that would not.
Speaker B:Be because then I would look terrible.
Speaker A:That would be a lie, and that would not serve us well.
Speaker A:We did our best to.
Speaker A:First of all, we homeschooled our kids.
Speaker A:And even though all of our churches had schools, that became a point of contention in some of them.
Speaker A:Our philosophy about that was.
Speaker A:And knowing my wife was a pastor's kid, so my wife was a pk, I was not.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:But I knew that pastor's kids, I call it the paparazzi kind of a syndrome.
Speaker A:They grew up as kind of paparazzi kids.
Speaker A:So whatever you do is elevated.
Speaker A:You either either reflection on your ministry or your father's ministry or your family.
Speaker A:So I wanted to protect them as much as possible from the un.
Speaker A:Unfair scrutiny that a pastor's kid had.
Speaker A:So we did not put them in the school.
Speaker A:We homeschooled them because we wanted to not only just, you know, kind of work with them more closely, but also because we felt that it was, it was our responsibility to educate our kids, not necessarily someone else's.
Speaker A:But we also had to have some tough conversations.
Speaker A:Our kids are interracial.
Speaker A:My wife is German and I'm African American.
Speaker A:I always joke.
Speaker A:So some of the struggles our kids dealt with was just the idea of identity.
Speaker A:How do I view myself?
Speaker A:Am I white?
Speaker A:Am I black?
Speaker A:This or that?
Speaker A:And so I tried to help them define that by saying, you're kind of chocolate swirl ice cream.
Speaker A:You're the best of both worlds.
Speaker B:I love it.
Speaker A:But we, we just kind of, as things happen, we tried to address them as they ran across them and honestly had say, you know, you can come to us with anything.
Speaker A:And even to this day, our kids are older now.
Speaker A:Most of our kids are.
Speaker A:Our youngest is 13, our oldest is 30, 32.
Speaker A:So we still try to keep an open mindset about because their views of the world are different than ours in some cases.
Speaker A:And so we try to always kind of like, let's have a conversation.
Speaker A:We may not always agree, but we want to be able to have a conversation and talk about things and know that what we're going to love you.
Speaker A:That was what we tried to establish is that the safe spaces.
Speaker A:We will always love you.
Speaker B:That's beautiful.
Speaker B:And I love the paparazzi.
Speaker B:I'm actually going to use that because it's.
Speaker B:That actually you nailed it.
Speaker B:Is they are always watched and then all of a sudden it comes back to you, you as parents.
Speaker B:And yeah, that is so, so true.
Speaker B:And now with your 13 year olds, is your 13 year old homeschooled as well?
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:Okay, okay.
Speaker B:No, I, because I, I think it's very important that, and especially now with a, with their identity and we're seeing more and more youth now.
Speaker B:I mean, there's so much more with identity now that has come out.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But we're seeing kids, you know, when I was growing up, there were.
Speaker B:You could be a tomboy, right?
Speaker B:As a girl, you played in the sand, yet ate worms.
Speaker B:You pulled worms apart.
Speaker B:But then you'd get dressed up in your, you know, girly girl stuff because you have to go, you know, for dinner with your parents someplace.
Speaker B:But that was allowed.
Speaker B:And nowadays stuff isn't even, we're not even allowed to, to have that.
Speaker B:You know, you're either one or the other.
Speaker B:And so it, it's interesting to hear you with the chocolate swirl.
Speaker B:Because the kids are still struggling with identity, you know, especially, am I white?
Speaker B:Am I black?
Speaker B:And should I be.
Speaker B:Should I be black or should I be white?
Speaker B:Right, but why can't.
Speaker B:Why can't you be both?
Speaker A:Right, Exactly.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I think even, you know, I look at the fact for myself not fitting in this box well, I can still be a cop, still be a fee.
Speaker B:A very feminine female, and still do an amazing job.
Speaker B:Like, why not?
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:And I think we have to give our kids permission not just to think outside the box.
Speaker A:I always joke about this, about myself as a pastor.
Speaker A:It's like, you know, there are people who like to work inside the box, like to work and kind of make the box a little bit bigger.
Speaker A:I blow the box up and start over again.
Speaker A:And I think when it comes to some of the things that we're trying to force people into certain boxes, we gotta blow the box up and say, look, you were created uniquely by God, and you're building your box.
Speaker A:Currently, you may not have a box yet, but you are building it by the power and the strength and the gifts that God has given you.
Speaker A:So embrace your box.
Speaker B:I love it.
Speaker B:And you're a masterpiece, Right?
Speaker B:And that's the thing, is masterpieces are never complete.
Speaker B:And I think when you look at that, it's like you are a canvas that is continuing to be this masterpiece.
Speaker B:I do keynote speaking as well, and one of the keynotes that I do is on our boxes and how when you take everything out, all it is is a flat piece of cardboard.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And so when we actually look at that, everything that everybody has put on us or who we are, what we are, and even for ourselves, you know, I love it.
Speaker B:Blow it up.
Speaker B:Because all it is is a flat piece of cardboard.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:We don't.
Speaker B:You know, it's easy to.
Speaker B:It is easy to blow it up.
Speaker A:And if you're a masterpiece, that means you were a blank canvas and God's painting on it.
Speaker A:So you're never going to be what you were or you think you should be until it's done.
Speaker A:So, yeah, Part.
Speaker A:Part, Part Chapter, Season six of my podcast, we're doing something a little different.
Speaker A:We are having the guests pick a number between one and five, and they get a surprise question.
Speaker A:So pick a number.
Speaker B:Okay, let's do three.
Speaker A:All right, question number three.
Speaker A:Oh, here we go.
Speaker A:I love this.
Speaker A:And it always fits with the guests.
Speaker A:Have you ever worn clothing with the labels or tags still attached?
Speaker B:Yes, And I'm so embarrassed to say that.
Speaker B:Oh, My goodness.
Speaker B:And yes.
Speaker B:And I'll never forget it because I was sitting there, I'm like, why am I getting like, what's scratching down?
Speaker B:It was a skirt.
Speaker B:What is going on here?
Speaker B:And so I went to the washroom and I, you know, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, I can't believe it.
Speaker B:So, yes, I have.
Speaker B:There it is.
Speaker A:There we go.
Speaker A:Here on the podcast for the first time, I love to ask my guests this question, too.
Speaker A:What legacy do you hope to leave behind?
Speaker A:And how do you envision inspiring future generations?
Speaker B:Oh, you know, when I think about this, the biggest thing I want is for everybody to realize you are a diamond.
Speaker B:And no matter what traumas, trials, where you've come from, your story, our diamonds have all been tarnished and they've all been sometimes so rough that we never think that we're going to be able to bring it, bring that shine or even make it into a diamond again.
Speaker B:And all it takes is one person to start polishing off, to start chipping away.
Speaker B:And that one person can change the life of the life and the trajectory of somebody.
Speaker B:And so, again, all it takes is one person to help make this diamond shine in ways that you may have never even realized that you can shine.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And that is what I want.
Speaker B:My legacy to be left is to always shine as bright as you can and be that person to help somebody else be able to shine.
Speaker A:That's awesome.
Speaker A:So what key takeaway do you want for people hearing this podcast to take away from our conversation today?
Speaker B:The biggest takeaway, especially as parents, is you are doing the best that you can with what you have and what you know.
Speaker B:And it's always, it is okay to be able to grab extra tools in your toolbox, to learn to use them.
Speaker B:And please, when you are working and talking with your youth again, go in with no judgment.
Speaker B:We all have our biases, really make sure that you are active listening and sometimes you might need to just be quiet.
Speaker B:And that is okay to actually sit down, not say anything, and let your child know that you are real, that you are a human being and that.
Speaker B:And where that vulnerability can come out.
Speaker B:So I think, I know it's not just one takeaway, but I think they all mold in together to build that connection and that engagement with our, with our youth and with whoever, you know, either if we're a youth advocate, a coach, anything like that.
Speaker B:But I think those three just, just kind of bring that, that form of connection.
Speaker B:And the biggest thing is it takes a village.
Speaker B:It still does take a village.
Speaker B:I noticed when a lot of, I spoke with a lot of newcomers and immigrants coming in and that's the one thing that they are missing.
Speaker B:They say when they come here, it's, there's no village that they, you know, that they had back in their community or their home base.
Speaker B:And so you know what?
Speaker B:Create that village, build that community.
Speaker B:Because we do need a village to work with us to raise our, to raise our kids and build our kids up into who we would like them and who God wants them to be.
Speaker A:That's great.
Speaker A:So where can listeners find your your book, Youth Truth, Engaging in conversations that can change lives and connect with you on social media.
Speaker B:So social media is www.carlamaycharmada.com the book is on Amazon, either Amazon.com or.ca and yes please.
Speaker B:My email is Carla May.
Speaker B:Carla maysharemada.com Send me an email if you have any questions.
Speaker B:I go out and do keynotes.
Speaker B:I'll come in and talk to parents and groups.
Speaker B:We need to keep building our kids and letting them have a voice and the only way we can do that is to be able to connect and engage with them.
Speaker A:Well, thank you so much, Charlamagne.
Speaker A:Thanks for this engaging conversation and for the work that you do because our youth are so important, not just for our future, but for our present.
Speaker A:So thank you for having the passion and the desire to connect with them and help us to create safe spaces for us to be better listeners and engage in them where they are.
Speaker B:Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker B:It was such a delight.
Speaker A:Thank you.
