The Garden of the Soul: Weeding Out Negative Beliefs in Teens

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:00:58

Welcome to Becoming Bridge Builders podcast where we bring you conversations that inspire connection, transformation and hope.

I am your host, Keith Haney and today we have an incredible guest who's dedicated his life to helping teens and those who guide them build confidence and resilience. Chuck Bernard is a best selling author, master educator, mindset, mentor for over 30 years of experience.

Through his groundbreaking methods and personal journey of training turning grief into purpose, Chuck has helped thousands overcome anxiety and emotional shutdown. His new book, Confidence with a new Chapter for the Family, is a game changer for parents, educators and coaches everywhere.

Chuck, welcome to the podcast.

Chuck Barnard: 00:01:44

Thank you so much for having me. It's an honor to be on your show.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:01:47

It's good to have you on. I'm going to ask you my favorite question. What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?

Chuck Barnard: 00:01:54

I've ever received? Oh, be humble. You never know when life will knock you down.

And you know, there's that a parable in the Bible about being not sitting for placing yourself at one of the premier seats in case somebody else above you comes in. And that has always kind of stuck with me and I really learned the value of that as I got older too.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:02:26

Yeah, that's always helpful because you don't want to be the one that has. I'm sorry, that's reserved for somebody else.

Chuck Barnard: 00:02:32

Yeah, exactly.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:02:34

Right. So your new book entitled Confidence with Teens, what inspired you to write this book?

Chuck Barnard: 00:02:42

You know, with all the years that I've worked with teens and all, there's just so many different stories about transformation and how it comes about. And I saw so many families struggling with lots of ways for parents. You know, parenting is a really hard job. Right.

Our kids don't come with instruction manuals and teens today I think even have that many more challenges. So I wanted to turn it into all that I learned and stuff into a story.

So I basically, the family, the characters in the book are based on kind of a composite of a whole bunch of different people, families, children that I've worked with over the years. And the mentor in that is a composite of from my own experiences, but also people who mentored me. So kind of wove though all that into.

Into a story, a story about the Jackson family.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:03:51

I love that we always write a book thinking we're trying to fill a gap somewhere in the, in the work that's already out there. What gap were you hoping this book would fill in the lives of especially teens and families?

Chuck Barnard: 00:04:04

A. You know, one of the reasons I've made it into a story like that is.

There's self help books and there's lots of books on parenting out there, but they are, you know, do this, do that. There's chapters is almost read like textbooks and stories. Parables are powerful teaching tools.

And that was kind of like I thought that was what was missing out there. So when I sat down to write, I'm like, no, this, this can't be just another how to kind of book. It needs to be a story about essentially real people.

It's a fictional family. But essentially these are real stories and real advice and practical wisdom, but told by real characters. And I, I think that's what was.

Well in my mind anyways, that's what was kind of missing in the marketplace and, and that's what I wanted to, wanted to fill.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:05:10

So give us an overview of your book. Tell us kind of you talk about the story, kind of tell us how the book is laid out.

Chuck Barnard: 00:05:16

So the Jackson family have teenage children and they're involved in sports.

And you know, the teenagers are going through some tough times and a stranger comes into their life accidentally as father is going to soccer game and stands as usual place.

An older gentleman kind of comes up and stands near him and ends up striking up a conversation with him and ends up inviting him to a dinner that he's hosting.

And the father and, and mom who ends up meeting him as well are kind of taken aback that they actually find themselves agreeing to like go and meet this total stranger and then that total stranger, there's another family there at this dinner that they, the parents know each other because the kids are involved in sports.

And it just builds this mentorship and it weaves through the different challenges that the teenagers go through and how the families struggle dealing with some of those. And, and what sort of advice is given by the mentor.

It's, it's actually set up to be the potential of a series of books and this first one is just on transforming your base mindset.

That's kind of what the, the theme approach is and there are potentialities for other ones which follow through basically the mentoring kind of program I do.

So you transfer the mindset, you work on building some habits so that once you kind of cleared things that are been getting in your way, obstacles, usually the unconscious related to the beliefs you have and values, conflicts and all that. You want habits to help you maintain keep. Another metaphor I use is, is weeding the guidance. So you want to keep the guidance weeded.

So you need habits to do that. And, and then there is building a positive mindset.

Mindset of a champion with all those traits and characteristics that go into being able to be successful in your life regardless of the storms that you will run into and we all will run into them. So it stands on its own, but it has the, the idea in my head was at some point I'm going to get to writing the rest of the, the rest of the series.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:08:00

I love that you talk about rewiring the mindset rather than relying on traditional talk therapy. Can you explain how that works and why that is effective for teens?

Chuck Barnard: 00:08:11

Yeah. You know, our mindset guides everything, right?

We are a product of our memories and those memories have shaped our beliefs, our values, decisions, have all these things that kind of filter our reality and that's what, that's what makes up our, our mindset.

And you know, one of the stories I, I tell about Jimmy, Jimmy was a student who was not one of my programs in school, but I knew of Jimmy and I was subbing for his regular teacher. And Jimmy had a one on one, he had an IEP and he was getting kicked out of class all the time and he was an eighth grader.

This had been going on all through middle school and actually a little bit before then and you know, nothing was really working. And sure enough I, you know, I knew I'm filling in for his teacher. So I'm going to see, I'm going to see all these middle school behaviors, right?

And sure enough, within five minutes he's going to be need to be escorted out of the class. So the Edtech gives escort him out and I just got, I got to ask Jimmy a question.

So I go out and hall with him like Jimmy, why are you such a pain of butt to everybody? He looked right at me, he said that's because that's what I am. And it just like all the bells went off, I'm like, yeah.

So everything they're doing with Jimmy was treating the symptoms and not the root cause which were the beliefs that he had that had become so part of his identity. He was going to act like a pain in the butt because he had to maintain his identity.

And I over the years saw this all the time, whether it was a student who, who oh, I can't do math, I'm not good at math or I'm not good at this, or I'm not pretty enough or I'm not. And all these negative beliefs and self talk and attitudes that came from those just, it became self fulfilling prophecies. Right.

So any transformation that we were successful in doing always began by Rewiring that thinking, rewiring those beliefs, breaking down those old ones, and then constantly trying to feed them new ones. So that's kind of where that base on some of the work I do begins. It begins with that. With that rewiring, that mindset transformation.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:10:44

I love the example you talk about the garden of the soul, because gardening is a great example. I mean, it's so hard for us to. I have a brown thumb, so anyone can garden, I really admire.

But as you're trying to garden, you talk about the fact that you have to clear the emotional weeds and grow confidence. Kind of tell us, as you just talked about, like with Jimmy there, when you have that mindset that I'm a failure, I'm gonna.

I'm always gonna be the troublemaker. How do you help to not have those weeds of that belief keep growing back, and you keep falling back into the mindset of, this is just who I am.

I really can't change.

Chuck Barnard: 00:11:23

Yeah, that's a wonderful question. And let me kind of frame it and how I usually frame it, and then I'll kind of get to it.

nd of explain it well. But in: 2022

So it was real quick and, you know, obviously just a blow that I wasn't ready for. And after her main service, we were having a smaller gathering, more intimate, not really service, but gathering at our house. And I wanted to have.

There was one spot in our backyard that my wife and I had wanted to have a nice flower garden there. And we had planted some plants, but. But we never tended it. And I'm like, I'm going to make this. This is going to Donna's garden. So I got some help.

My sister, who's an expert gardener, and she helped me identify weeds from wildflowers, what plants we had, what plants we might want to plant, how good the soil was. So, you know, some of the weeds you had to dig down deep in and pull out, and others were, you know, more on the surface.

And when we were done, it was beautiful. It was a wonderful tribute. Now, that winter, I had an opportunity to become a caretaker at my cousin's property that he inherited from. From his mom.

And, you know, he wasn't around. I knew they didn't want to sell it or anything like that. So it was a opportunity for me to kind of move out.

I joke that I couldn't kick my kids out who Were living at the house. So I moved out. It was easier for me. So anyways, I moved up in early summer, late spring, I came back. I don't live that far away.

Went out the backyard and there was a garden totally over grown by weeds. And I hadn't taken responsibility for that guidance. And that's that first step in doing this.

We've got to get our students, our children ready to understand that they need to be responsible for the weeds. Like, they may get blown in, storms may bring them in, pests may bring them in, pests may attack it.

But what they are responsible for is doing the weeding and the cleaning up. And they can do that. They're also responsible for what they plant in and how they feed the garden. And there's a lot of different techniques.

There's one I use primarily as a powerful technique called timeline therapy. Techniques that pretty quick and easy to help people release negative emotions. They're holding on to reframe these.

These decisions that they made or beliefs that they're holding on to. But there are other patterns. I teach parents. Sometimes it's simply by asking different questions.

Like, you know, kids start saying something about, oh, I can't do this. Oh, I'm no good. Oh, I'm so stupid. And asking a process question like, how'd you decide that? Or how do you know that? Which is what I.

Something I did with Jimmy too. Like, how did you decide that, Jimmy? And asking that question forces the person to kind of go inside, like, how did I do that?

And once you've done that and they go inside, they've interrupted that pattern. And then you can embed a new one. Like, oh, well, you know, I.

From my perspective, you are actually quite intelligent with, with math or, you know, whatever it is you. You give them a reframe. And the more often you do that, the harder it becomes to play the old patterns. So that's part of the whole process.

There's things that I can do in a coaching session. We can guide people, even in groups. There's things parents can learn to do just by asking different questions.

And the idea is to interrupt it off and off. And then we want to begin to help them build the habits to install new patterns. So long answer.

But that's kind of the framework for what we need to do.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:16:02

That's a great answer. I noticed that some of the core themes of your book really kind of resonate with me. And I love the one about confidence Myths debunked.

And these are three I picked up on. Confidence does not come solely from success. Shielding teens from failure doesn't build confidence.

And academic and athletic excellence doesn't guarantee self confidence. Maybe talk about some of the other things that you've discovered about confidence from your book.

Chuck Barnard: 00:16:32

Yeah, you know, it's interesting because confidence really does come within. And certainly when you are successful at something, you build confidence. Right. So there is that natural cycle.

But the truth of the matter is, is that your brain can't tell the difference between vivid imagination and reality.

So the more often you tell yourself and you act as if you are good at something, the more you're sending those messages to your brain, the more you're actually beginning to wire those neurological connections to actually believe those things. So there are things that you want.

You know, I used to tell students, you know, they're going to go take a science test or something, go sit right next to a person if you can near them of somebody you know is going to do really well on that test. And I want you to sit the way they sit. I want you to breathe the way they breathe. I want you to carry yourself physically the way they do.

And I guarantee you, if you do that and you maintain that, you're going to feel more confident. And I can't tell you how many Times Susan said, Mr. B, Mr. B, you were right, you were right. I just, I felt better.

Now the problem with them is, is they get so many negatives so often that you know, you've, you've got to break that, got to kind of break that pattern. But you can do it through visualization, through changing your body posture, affirmations, the things you say to yourself.

And again, I, I use that timeline therapy too, which is a powerful one, but it's, it's repeating it, repeating it, repeating it. You can repeat it a lot more often in your mind than you can in reality. Right.

So you can begin building that confidence first here in your mind and then in, in reality by doing it. So the doing it ends up actually just reinforcing everything you've begun putting into your, putting into your mind to begin with.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:18:41

Your book also has a 10 week transformational process. And week by week you focus on different things. Discarding limiting beliefs, embracing inner strengths, forming empowering habits.

And you have these so that teens going through this control their emotions, choose positivity and reframing. Tell us a little bit more about the 10 week transformation process.

Chuck Barnard: 00:19:06

Yeah, that, that is the real, that's the part about the weeding of the guide and so not weeding it the once. Right. But weeding it long term. So in the reason it's 10 weeks is on average it takes 66 consecutive days to create new habits, right?

So 70 days, 10 weeks doing something every day to be building these habits are going to help you measure emotions. And I, I refer to applying heat to your life, which is really what this 10 weeks all about. That's habit, emotion, attitude training.

And I emphasize training because it's, it's long term, right?

So over those 10 weeks, the two principal habits, rituals that we are talking about building are a morning ritual and an evening ritual and the morning ritual. We all have routines we do in the morning, we all have routines we go through at night.

They're usually pretty simple and not thought out and not planned. We just kind of fall into them. But the purpose of the morning one is to prepare the mind, body and spirit for the day ahead.

The purpose of the evening one is to prepare the mind, body and spirit for rest, recovery, reflection and growth. And growth means personal growth. But as teenagers it can also mean physical growth.

So those habits, we're going to build components into those that are going to help them and empower them to keep building all these positive traits and characteristics and thinking. Because the storms are going to come, right?

I mean, when I ran the storm of losing my wife, my youngest son at the time was in college and he was a big baseball guy. He was playing at the local university, which was a top 10 Division 3 school in the country. And he wasn't supposed to even be on that team, right?

People said you aren't big enough, strong enough, all that stuff. But he'd been hanging on for two years. He was having a good summer, the summer my wife passed away.

He came back that fall and he got cut from the baseball team. So he had a double blow.

And he wrote a post at the end of the year, December 31st, that I can't, I have a hard time even saying it without tearing up. But ultimately, essentially what he said was, for those who know me, you know that this was a really difficult year.

I lost two of the most important things in my life, my mom and baseball. But I'm not going to hang my head, I'm not going to wallow self pity. I'm grateful I even had those in my life. 20, 23, bring it on.

And I use that as an example of law because as a dad I was like, after reading that, you know, tearing up and all, I was, I was like, you, you got it. I, I know I didn't always do the teaching the way I, I've now organized things like, I, I'm better. I'm bringing all this to parents now.

I didn't always have it in place when I was, when my own dad, I mean, you know, my role as a dad. But in that post, he, he demonstrated a lot of those messages I wanted and that storms are going to come. What do you have or how.

What tools are you going to put in place to, to make it through those, to sail through those? So, yeah, that's. I think, I think that answered your question.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:23:01

No, you did. And that was a very powerful story. Thanks for sharing that.

What I, what I get out of your book, too, is the role that parents play in the raising of their kids. And I like that you kind of give us the idea that parents act as guides, not protectors.

It's easy to want to protect your kids from all the pain that the world and life will throw at them, but it's better to help be a guide for them so they can develop unshakable confidence and resilience. And I like how you do that. And your book really emphasizes the active involvement of parents, creating a. I like this idea.

A nurturing environment for your teens to thrive. Tell us more about how you build that and create that environment for teens.

Chuck Barnard: 00:23:49

You know, one of the things when parents come to me, right, they, they're the ones making the decisions. They're the ones seeing some issues with their teenage. The teenager's not going, mom, dad, I, I met this mentor guy that I, I really think it's.

The parents are coming. And I really emphasize to them that, that they really need to go through this with their child alongside the child. They benefit, too.

They get the same benefits as their child with looking inside themselves to see what might be going there. And that whole process really builds a powerful relationship.

And, you know, teen years are hard and some, and for some kids, it's even harder than others in opening up to parents and all that. And this is an opportunity to grow individually and together. But parents have to be prepared and ready to kind of model it.

And, you know, there's challenges through this process, trying to get their teens to fall through and do the assignments they need to do. And when I was, you know, set this up to do this, I understand the challenge of time, right?

Again, I was a father of four, very involved in all kinds of things, so I understand these challenges. But the truth of the matter is time's not an excuse because we all have the same amount. We have 14, 40 minutes a day.

The question is Whether I have enough time. Question is how do I want to prioritize that time? And that can be a challenge. That's one of the reasons I stocked with that.

I mentioned that in the book. That's where it kind of begins is, is looking at how you're spending time, how to prioritize it. And that's kind of the parents role.

And then they just need to. Again, it's not, it's encouraging, but also being firm and reminding them about benefits and it's, it's not. What's the word I'm looking for?

It's not being a real drill instructor type, but it's, it's being there to lead by example, keep encouraging and giving them enough room to explore on their own. My dad used to tell the story that. I don't remember it, but it, it stuck with me and I was very blessed to have the parents I had.

But he talked about me being maybe a 10 year old. And we were on a family trip, big city, I don't know whether D.C. or New York City or what have you.

And we were in again, a big, I don't know whether a huge mall like Grand Central Station, whatever, but I need to go to the bathroom, right? And he said, all right, here's an opportunity to see if he can make it on his own.

So there are, you know, maps of where we are and where the nearest bathroom is. And he takes me over and thinks you could find it on your own. And I'm like, yeah, without me knowing it.

He of course followed me off in a distance to make sure, but he let me go on my own to kind of, can I do it? To feel like that?

And I didn't remember it, but I have, I could see kind of the results of that little lesson as I look back at some other lessons that like, oh, that explains this and that explains that. And, and as parents, we need to be able to do that. And there's a lot of, a lot of research coming up.

Jonathan Haidt has quite a bit about the loss of play, the loss of that freedom. We're trying to put, we become overprotective for kids and they aren't, they aren't learning through their own failures as much as they need to.

So that would be my, my biggest lesson is, is we can't, we can't keep them from, quote, failing. They need to experience that. And, and what we're doing in this mentorship program is, is not preventing them from failing, but giving them the tools.

So when they do experience it they don't melt. You know, there's a. A moniker that this generation's gotten that's not a very complimentary one. In the snowflakes, right?

The first sign of a little bit of heat, and they melt away. Right? And it's not complementary, but there's some truth to that. And so as parents, we need to.

We need to give them the tools to be able to handle that.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:28:41

That's good. It's really important, too. So how's your book being received?

Chuck Barnard: 00:28:47

Yeah, I'm getting positive feedback, which I love. You know, I obviously would love it to get even more and more copies, right? Get millions of copies sold.

But the thing that gets me most is when somebody says, you know what? I was able to learn this from that, or I took this message from that. And it's kind of like the work I did with students. The biggest.

I still remember one time a student, we were up, my wife and I, and there was 3,6 of us total. All was educators. And we up in Bar Harbor, Maine, which was like three hours from. From where we live. And all of a sudden, there's a Mr. B. Mr. B.

And this kid comes running across the street pushing a baby carriage with his fiance right behind him. And he just. He's like, Mr. B, you remember me? And I'm like, of course I remember you, Charlie. Of course I remember you.

And, you know, he had been a really tough kid, and he wanted so much to just tell me that he was working, he was in construction industry, he had a little baby girl, he was engaged to be married. Things were going good. And those little moments, like somebody saying, I took this from your book. That's what makes it all worthwhile.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:30:17

That. That does make it worthwhile. So I'm going to ask you my favorite. My other favorite question. What legacy do you want to leave behind?

Chuck Barnard: 00:30:27

Oh, boy, that's a great question. When I look at the students I've had, my own children, their friend group, They're the legacy.

So the messages that I bring forward about the importance of your mindset, taking control of your own life, being.

Being responsible, the importance of relationships and the power that we have to build good, positive relationships, seeing that played out in that next generation, that's my legacy.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:31:10

That's amazing. On season six, we have a new thing we end the show with, and that is pick a number between 1 and 10 for a surprise question.

Chuck Barnard: 00:31:21

So say that again. Pick a number between one and ten.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:31:24

For what surprise question.

Chuck Barnard: 00:31:26

Oh, all right. Well, between one and ten. Six has always been a lucky Number. So, so we'll go with six.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:31:35

The question is, what is the weirdest text you've ever received?

Chuck Barnard: 00:31:42

The weirdest. Thanks. Oh, boy, that's a great question.

You know, I don't know if weird's the right word, but what I'll, I'll say is, is the one that stands out the most, maybe the most emotionally charged. And after my wife passed, a former student of mine who kept in touch with over the years through Facebook and, and others.

She has a great story to tell.

t just before Christmas time,: 2022

And she was going into a dark place and she knew my wife had passed and reached out and, you know, we were communicating, sharing each other's grief and all. And in that process, she said, you know, the foundation that we gave her in middle school is what she kind of fell back on.

And the reason I say, you know, weird isn't the right term, but emotional, because it was at a time where I was beginning to question, like, where am I going to go with what I'm doing now?

Because part of the reason I was doing this was, you know, my wife and I in my retirement, this was going to be kind of my second stream of income and we both were educators and, and could work together in this. It was going to be kind of a, a dual package thing.

And I kind of lost my direction and, and through those, that little, the grieving process, that statement, it all like, I got my mission kind of gut focused. So, so I, I think that's not the weirdest, but the most emotional. Thanks.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:34:07

Oh, powerful, powerful story, Chuck. Where can people find you and where can they buy confidence for teens, a new chapter for the family?

Chuck Barnard: 00:34:17

You can find me at coach chuck360.com coach chuck360.com and they can reach out to me. They can send me a text or what have you just put your show name down on it and free gift.

And I can make the book available for, for shipping and handling. If they reach out to me that way, that's all they pay. But of course, if you want to pay full price, you can get it on Amazon. So. So by all means that.

But. But I'd be more than willing to, you know, for shipping only get it, get it to. To them if they want to reach out to me that way.

That's coachchuck360.com well, Chuck, thank you for.

Rev. Dr. Keith Haney: 00:35:04

Sharing your wisdom, your heart with us today.

For those listening, if you want to learn more about Chuck's work or grab a copy of his new book, Confidence with Teens, check out his links in the show notes. Until next time, keep building bridges that bring hope and transformation. Chuck, thanks so much for being a great guest on the podcast.

Chuck Barnard: 00:35:24

Oh, thank you. It was an honor.